How much of you do you let others enjoy? We people can be strange, fascinating things. We each have our own reality and each one of us sees things in a slightly different way. The way we respond to the world around us is deeply unique too. Some speak, some paint, some moan, some cook, some write and others just get on with it. But even more fascinating can be not what we see in others, but what we allow others to see of us. How much do we show… and how much do we hold back?
What does it feel like when you notice yourself holding something back? Perhaps in a conversation, perhaps because you don’t know the person you’re talking to very well, perhaps there’s something on your mind, perhaps because they’re cleverer than you, perhaps they’re hard work, perhaps you just want to listen. And at the same time, what’s it like when you’re in the company of somebody who won’t stop speaking their opinion, who’s throwing their perspective at you, needing you to listen, to hear, to be just as persuaded by that perspective as they are? Ever find yourself holding back - thinking it’s not worth saying anything? How many reasons can there be why we don’t show ourselves fully? When we think something, but don’t say it? But what’s it like when we’re with someone who does the opposite… who couldn’t hold back if they tried?
Alex is someone I’ve seen only three times in 15 years. And each and every time I’ve thought about him, I’ve always found myself smiling. And it’s a fun smile. There’s just something about this man that makes you smile without realising. And on Thursday, I saw Alex for the first time in 9 years and introduced him to my wife. We couldn’t stop smiling.
To be frank, I didn’t know whether my wife and he would ever meet. I used to tell Lisa she couldn’t meet Alex. Reason being, women have always found Alex abnormally attractive. When at university together, I’d hide my smiles as women of all kinds would constantly stand near him blushing. They’d try so hard to not do the things young women do when they fancy a man. And he had absolutely no idea they thought he was gorgeous. Very good-looking, he was one of those rare, brilliant types of men who didn’t behave with ego. He was enough of a man not to need to show you how much of a man he was.
This man was a real man. He was human first, male second. He didn’t talk rubbish or try to convince people of his brains, ‘hardness’ or ‘coolness’. And he never did that thing that men do when they’re stood having a beer – the way they subconsciously stand equidistant from the guys they’re with. He looked people squarely in the face as he listened and spoke. Not once did I ever hear him build himself up by putting others down or criticising people. All the time, he was either smiling or just fascinated by what was going on. He was fascinated by everything that happened in the world. Each experience, each person, each joke, each memory. It was like each day of his life was his first. And as he’d tell you about what he had in his sandwich for dinner last night, he’d be smiling. And everybody listening would be smiling too. Just without realising. Don’t get me wrong, Alex was a bright man with a clear mind. He just enjoyed the things the rest of us had got used to. And he loved sharing the details of what he enjoyed. He enjoyed living and showing the world how much he appreciated it. Good grief did women adore this man. And good grief did we all enjoy him.
When I was with him on his graduation day, he shared something. “Mate, I wish I could meet a really nice woman. I just don’t seem to be able to attract women properly. Not the right kind. But I’m going to travel the world for a while and live my life rather than look for her – if she exists, that is.” And then he began talking about something else he’d found interesting that day.
Months later, while in Australia, he found a temporary job and was loving things over there. One day, he hadn’t had a shower, he was looking a bit dishevelled, he was tired and he was just minding his own business. And as he sat, a girl from another country he’d been working with for months and got on brilliantly with strolled over. She sat talking about how great the day was. Then out of the blue, she asked him to marry her. They moved to Colorado and they’ve been happily married ever since. And they now have a lovely young son.
With 9 years having passed since the last time I saw him, we met up last Thursday evening. Would he still speak with a strong Welsh accent? How much would he have changed? What would he be like now? Would the maturing process, husbandry and fatherhood have changed the man I used to know?
As my wife and I arrived, the broadest grin was waiting. He hadn’t changed one bit. Sure, the Welsh sounds more American, but the man is still the smiling, fascinated, brilliant example of a human being I always knew. His excitement at being with his wife every day came across immediately. Whether he was talking about snowboarding, their marriage or the cake we were eating, his voice and face oozed appreciation for what life has blessed him to enjoy. I sat connected with all this, enjoying him once more, and then the penny dropped.
His gorgeous wife, his lovely son, his many, many friends who adore this mate of ours, the many women who couldn’t stop staring all those years ago, the many of our friends who always enjoyed being with him, the many smiles we’ve constantly all shared in his absence while we’ve been remembering our time with him. All of these smiles are there because of who he is. He lets the world see him. He doesn’t hold back or try and be something he’s not, or waste his time with guile or moaning. He doesn’t waste his life getting bogged down managing how others perceive him. He’s one of the best examples of a human being I’ve ever known. He enjoys himself. He lets others enjoy him. And by enjoying him, the people around him become more confident and enjoy being themselves more.
It can seem like there are many reasons not to show others our many sides. Whether it’s self-preservation, desire for privacy or something else, not letting others see a bit more of us is a missed opportunity. When people see those parts of our characters that many people hide, it encourages them to have a go too. If you’re reading this, please know something important: You are more enjoyable than you could possibly imagine. The more you show of yourself, the more others will be able to enjoy. You have so many qualities that others appreciate and would love to see more of. And when you let people truly enjoy you, it sends them a powerful message: they’re pretty damn enjoyable too.
Jonathan
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