When was the last time an attractive stranger walked up to you out of the blue, smiled, and solved your problem? Think back… what did it do to your day? What if it happened today? It happened to me on Friday. Not only did she solve my problem, she thanked me for the opportunity to do so. What was it all about? It was the sudden answer to a question that’s stuck with me for years. What are 'manners'?
People’s manners are fascinating. Manners can tell you so much about a person. Your own reaction to others’ manners can also tell you alot about yourself. Excessive politeness can be irritating for some, but we’re also quick to notice when someone’s manners are awful. So what are ‘manners’? Let’s be careful as we answer this… manners are so often completely misunderstood.
Remember when you were 3 years old? Do you remember those moments when your mum or dad would tell you to speak ‘properly’? “No… Can I have a biscuit PLEASE?”. Those ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ moments were initially a bit of a pain – but they would prove an awakening. You soon realised that if you used these words – and meant them – people would treat you very differently. They would treat you better. And as the childhood years passed, you’d hear grown-ups comment on manners. Teachers, friends’ parents, relatives… they’d all comment when someone had good manners… and they’d more than comment when people’s manners were bad. As a listening, learning youngster, it was an easy decision. Good manners improved the way people behaved toward you. Would it be the same when we grew up?
My career started at 18 with officer training in the military. It was a wake up call. Each time they heard me being too well mannered to be an officer, I’d have to “get down and boogie”. This was their way of saying “Do press-ups!”. In week 1, it was 10 press-ups; in week 4, it was 40 press-ups and so on. In week 15 I made the mistake of saying ‘thank you’ one last time. And as I started my 150 press-ups, our Flight Sergeant explained: “Cattell, manners are for people who want to be decent and polite. You’re an officer – you don’t need to be decent. If you want to let people know how you want them to behave toward you, give them a bloody order. And let them know how much s**t they’ll get if they don’t do as you tell them. Manners are for little girls to stop them behaving like princesses when they’re older.” So with arms burning and the sweat pouring, I decided to hide my manners. But he was wrong, wasn’t he?
Manners weren’t just about politeness were they? After all, politeness alone creates distance and non-connection between people. Politeness is simply about words. Manners are more than just politeness. Despite the press-ups, why did manners still feel so important?
Austria started to unlock the answer.
“You British are always saying sorry.” was hurled at me after a lesson one morning. I’d been working in Vienna for some time. My job was to teach British-English to female Austrian trainee-teachers. Not just the words and sounds, but also the behaviours, the way we react, the way we British respond to emotions, the way we behave in relationships – and how we react to the way others communicate. The students were fascinated. But they didn’t like the ‘sorry?’ we say when we’re asking someone to say something a bit louder. They didn’t like the ‘sorry’ we say as we smile when squeezing past our friends in a tight corridor. And they didn’t like the ‘thank you’ we say when someone completes what we have a ‘right’ to expect them to complete. But every bit of respect and appreciation came my way from these fantastic Austrians. They just used words differently. When hearing British manners-words, they sensed subservience, servility and unwanted movement of interpersonal hierarchy. But that’s not what was meant. So what role do our words actually play? How do people often hear something other than what we meant to say?
And years later, as part of my investigation of MI6, I was completing an interview with the Head of Austria’s Intelligence Service when it came out in German. “Herr Cattell, I’ve often thought that words are in themselves actually quite worthless. Words are purely the human attempt to express our reaction to what’s happening inside and around us. It’s the subtleties of people’s behaviours that really matter. Behaviours are the most telling language - they show us where people truly stand. And these subtleties can be so subtle that we’re often too busy listening to see.”
These days, there’s a woman I know. She’s bright. She’s very bright. And she used to tell me off for saying thank you whenever she helped me with something. What wasn’t she hearing? What was she hearing? And one morning, she came out with it. “Look, we’re both intuitive creatures, right? Believe me Jonathan, I sense you. Your energy is saying everything you have to say. You don’t need the words”. I decided not to thank her.
So on Friday, as this attractive stranger walked up to me in a DIY store and smiled, I sensed it. She didn’t work there, she was a fellow customer. Her smile broadened, but she wasn’t flirting, it was something else. There was a passion and energy about the person for something - something she quickly explained. “Excuse me, you look like a man who’s looking for a certain colour of paint but can’t find what you and your wife really need.” Was I that obvious? “Let me help.” And as she sought one sample after another, blended one colour with another and roped a shop assistant in to help us, she explained. “I’m a designer and I’m really good with colours. I get them and I love them. This week, I’ve had enough of the news. And I’m going to paint canvass all weekend to let the world know how much I really appreciate everything around us. I want to let the people of the world know how beautiful I find them. Life doesn’t last very long, so why wait?”. And after a minute or so, she’d somehow mixed just the colour my wife and I were after. And she smiled. Then spoke again. “It’s lovely helping you. But I can sense that you want to thank me. Please don’t. Seeing you struggle and knowing someone’s world is easier today because of me has made my day. I hope you and your wife love your room once the painting’s done.” And with another smile, she was gone, with the young male shop assistant staring appreciatively as she walked.
People’s manners are indeed an attempt to express what we’re trying to say. But we can do it so much more powerfully when we go beyond words. What’s truly powerful is when our behaviour speaks our manners. In each moment that we instinctively 'behave' our manners rather than simply speaking them, we send someone the purest message. That message is this: “I see you. I see who you are. I see what you’ve done. I see the difference you’ve made. I see that you didn’t have to do it. And I see that you made a choice to do it. I see the difference you’ve made to me and my reality. I see you. And I want you to see how I see you”. All this takes only a tenth of a second. And when our behaviours toward each other, the way we treat other, the way we regard each other, the opportunities we create for each other, and all the things we do with- and for those around us speak loud and clear, the energy of the world changes. We make realities that bit better. So let’s not just ‘use’ manners, let’s ‘be’ manners. When we do, the colour of the rooms in our lives shines so much brighter.
Thank you. :-)
Jonathan
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